Career or Love?

I guess I have run into my first real hurdle of marrying a Chinese person. A hurdle that for the first time has made me question my choices. I finally achieved my dream job after blood sweat and tears to have it taken away from me because of my husband’s citizenship. Even when he does eventually apply for American citizenship, his background and connections in China will always be a red flag.

I was on a clear path before graduating from college with great jobs lined up for me. I gave them up to go back to China to be with my now husband, thinking if I was able to get those jobs once I could get them again. A great love story, right? A girl puts caution to wind and flies across the world chasing love. Now, years later I’m starting to doubt that decision. Should I have put love before career? Had I first started my career and then married, I wouldn’t have this issue. Now that I am married to a Chinese national, I have a red flag in my file that may forever keep from getting the security clearance I need to start the career that I want.

I wonder if I will have forever sacrificed my career dreams by chasing my fairytale love story.

一个美国人和中国人结婚肯定会遇到一些小问题，但我最近遇到了一个很大的，而这个真正的障碍让我第一次重新审视以前的选择。经过两年的努力之后，我终于得到了我梦想的工作，但最后还是因为我老公的国籍问题，煮熟的鸭子飞了。即便他有了美国国籍之后还会有同样的问题，他在中国的亲戚朋友会永远留一个小红旗在我的背景里。

我大学毕业之前已经得到了梦想的工作，但我拒绝了，只是为了回中国跟他在一起。这是不是一个很浪漫的爱情故事？一个年轻女孩不顾一切，在地球的另一端寻找爱情。几年之后，我才有一点后悔。我想如果我先开始工作，然后结婚就没有现在的问题了。我已经和一个中国人结婚了，而现在安全调查有了麻烦，也许我会因此一直无法开始我想要的职业生涯。

我怀疑自己为了童话般的爱情而永远牺牲了我的梦想。

Chinese Medicine and Monthly Issues

Warning: topic may not be suitable for most men

I must say that I resented my grandmother-in-law every month when she found out it was that time of the month. I started hiding it or denying it. According to my nainai and Chinese medicinal beliefs, a women should not come in contact with cold while on her period. Remember that Chinese medicine is all about keeping the balance between hot and cold. During menstruation, women often suffer from internal cold or deficient Qi. The imbalance brings on side effects like cramps and bloating. This means no showers, no washing dishes, no ice cream and no fruit. Anything cold makes it worse.

I, skeptical about Chinese medicine, would be about to grab a cucumber from the table when my nainai would pull the plate away from me telling me it is a cold food. I’d retort that the cucumber was room temperature. Nope. Despite the actual temperate of the food, certain foods are innately cooling or warming. And the showers? Oh how I hated being denied showers when I felt in most need of them. I never understood the logic. In my world, showers are scalding hot and ice cream is comfort food, perfect things to relieve monthly woes.

Low and behold, there is actually something to this Chinese medicine yin & yang. After being under intense scrutiny a few periods, I realized my symptoms seemed more mild. When I could sneak an ice cream or apple, I got cramps. So now, paying tribute to all my nainai’s efforts, I drink hot water on my periods, but I won’t give up my shower.

Chinese vs American family meals

Whenever an American holiday approaches there is a lot of work in my family’s kitchen. Things like desserts are started the day before and then a few family members spend all day in the kitchen while everyone else watches tv. The food is always great, but especially for holidays, we all sit in the formal dining room with big chairs and a long table. Everyone seems so far away. Then after hours of cooking and preparing, everyone finishes eating in about a half an hour and gets up from the table. It seems like once everyone has eaten their plateful, there is no reason to stick around. Hours of work for 30 minutes of eating.

For Chinese holidays with my husband’s family in Shandong, there is still a lot of prep work. Dumplings, for instance are a day-long endeavor, but take very little time to actually cook. Stir-frying doesn’t take very long either, especially with everyone helping with chopping and peeling. Then everyone, it seems like almost 20 people, sits at a tiny table that one would think fits 4. With toasting of tea, beer, and baijiu, the meals last for hours. When the food looks like it is about to run out, more is made or found. I recall a couple of 11am lunches that didn’t finish until after 6pm.

Now in America, husband and I invite people over for Chinese meals all the time. We’ll have 10 or more people over and fit everyone around a table that by American standards should only seat 6. Sometimes, we’ll just stir-fry up a few dishes and serve some fresh pickled veggies, or, even easier, make hot-pot. It takes less than an hour to make everything and everyone is cozy. Without having defined portions on a dinner plate, the Chinese style meal allows everyone to graze for hours. Conversation seems to flow better and everyone is more literally sharing the meal.

Every family is different, mine seems to get restless once they are full. The only way to get them to stay at the table longer is to eat Chinese-style. Surprisingly, no one has complained about being cramped or about reaching for food.

On the other side

So life as I have known it since around 2005 has been switched around. My husband and I have gone through the immigration process and are now living in America. Reverse culture shock is more challenging than I imagined, and now my husband is dealing with being foreign. It is wonderful showing and sharing my country and culture with my Chinese husband, but there are challenges too. My husband has to learn English and deal with culture shock in a country where foreigners are common and don’t stand out. Our roles have changed in our relationship as well.

With the immigration process, job hunt, identity crisis, and overall adjustment, life has been a bit busy.

Undressing Summer Inequalities

Summer life in the Chinese countryside is spent without air-conditioning and a dream of stripping off sticky clothes and immersing in cold water. Now for women, this dream could never be a reality because modesty is of the utmost importance. I bake in the summers as my Chinese Nainai finds baring my shoulders and legs inappropriate. One must respect one’s elders and appease one’s in-laws. So I can be a good little YangXifu and cover up. I guess this means a bikini is out of the question?

But it is oh so hot!

So as I walk by the river yearning to go swimming, I remember how I must be respectful of the culture in which I am living. Chinese people in the countryside are simply more modest. As I am thinking this, I notice there are people in the water up ahead. There is a group of men and boys swimming in the river! I would love to just jump into the clear cold water and swim with them! As I get closer, the men see me. They all stand up and wave. I am confronted with several wet naked Chinese men energetically waving more than just their hands. It’s quite an unwelcomed view.

Am I upset?

Yes!

Why do I, as a woman, have to cover up so much but men can go out in public naked?! It is simply not fair.

Chinese Censoring of the Karate Kid

After watching the new Karate Kid movie released in America, my American friend turned to me and said: “only in an American-made movie would the little American kid go to a foreign country and beat up little Chinese boys with their own fighting style.” Although the movie took place in China, it still portrayed the Americans as the good guys and the Chinese as the bad guys. So I wondered, how would the Chinese government alter the movie for a Chinese audience?

Well, after watching the new Karate Kid movie released in China, I must say that clever deletion of scenes managed to successfully change the movie from that of an underdog story to one of self-discovery. I spent the whole movie watching for deleted scenes and wondering what was their motivation in deleting them? How much does the edited version change the story?

Chinese Birthdate

One day I got out of class and my loving caring boyfriend was outside the building waiting for me. He smiles and tells me that it is his birthday.

What?!

How could I possibly be such a horrible girlfriend to forget my boyfriend’s birthday? Then after going through my mental organizer I recall my loving boyfriend’s birthday is in July and do a quick recheck of the current date and time being no where near July. What is going on and why has this happened every year since?

Is there deodorant in China? 中国是否有除臭剂？

What is one of the biggest fears of any American living in China? Especially those living in Guang Dong province? Running out of deodorant.

I’m serious. I’ve run into many an exchange student or English teacher who was running low on his/her supply just as the weather was warming, and with fear and embarrassment in his/her eyes asks
“where do you get more deodorant in China?”

Standing up for Women all over China 为所有在中国的女人抵抗

I found out today that one of my former coworkers filed charges on rape. What happened was terrible and it should have never happened, but I’m not surprised that it did. I know who the man is and I know what city she is working in so it’s really not that surprising. What is surprising is that she said something about it, and I can’t be happier for her. It’s about time women in China stand up for themselves against the terrible odds.

I don’t think that people talk about the abuse that women get in China, but it is very common.

Why did you get married? Familial Responsibility 家庭责任

I had a fear of marriage, or more specifically of divorce. I wanted to know what everyone else thinks when they say “I do” so I could figure out why some would later say “I want a divorce.” Since I married in China, I asked my Chinese friends.

Whenever my husband goes out of town, I miss him terribly and everyone at work notices. One of my coworkers, Jenny, tried to console me saying that she hardly ever sees her boyfriend.
Jenny and her boyfriend’s situation is actually very common in China, they live and work in different cities and only get to see eachother once or twice a year during the holidays. I suddenly felt bad for complaining about my husband leaving for only a few days.