I was on a clear path before graduating from college with great jobs lined up for me. I gave them up to go back to China to be with my now husband, thinking if I was able to get those jobs once I could get them again. A great love story, right? A girl puts caution to wind and flies across the world chasing love. Now, years later I’m starting to doubt that decision. Should I have put love before career? Had I first started my career and then married, I wouldn’t have this issue. Now that I am married to a Chinese national, I have a red flag in my file that may forever keep from getting the security clearance I need to start the career that I want.

I wonder if I will have forever sacrificed my career dreams by chasing my fairytale love story.

一个美国人和中国人结婚肯定会遇到一些小问题，但我最近遇到了一个很大的，而这个真正的障碍让我第一次重新审视以前的选择。经过两年的努力之后，我终于得到了我梦想的工作，但最后还是因为我老公的国籍问题，煮熟的鸭子飞了。即便他有了美国国籍之后还会有同样的问题，他在中国的亲戚朋友会永远留一个小红旗在我的背景里。

我大学毕业之前已经得到了梦想的工作，但我拒绝了，只是为了回中国跟他在一起。这是不是一个很浪漫的爱情故事？一个年轻女孩不顾一切，在地球的另一端寻找爱情。几年之后，我才有一点后悔。我想如果我先开始工作，然后结婚就没有现在的问题了。我已经和一个中国人结婚了，而现在安全调查有了麻烦，也许我会因此一直无法开始我想要的职业生涯。

我怀疑自己为了童话般的爱情而永远牺牲了我的梦想。

I must say that I resented my grandmother-in-law every month when she found out it was that time of the month. I started hiding it or denying it. According to my nainai and Chinese medicinal beliefs, a women should not come in contact with cold while on her period. Remember that Chinese medicine is all about keeping the balance between hot and cold. During menstruation, women often suffer from internal cold or deficient Qi. The imbalance brings on side effects like cramps and bloating. This means no showers, no washing dishes, no ice cream and no fruit. Anything cold makes it worse.

I, skeptical about Chinese medicine, would be about to grab a cucumber from the table when my nainai would pull the plate away from me telling me it is a cold food. I’d retort that the cucumber was room temperature. Nope. Despite the actual temperate of the food, certain foods are innately cooling or warming. And the showers? Oh how I hated being denied showers when I felt in most need of them. I never understood the logic. In my world, showers are scalding hot and ice cream is comfort food, perfect things to relieve monthly woes.

Low and behold, there is actually something to this Chinese medicine yin & yang. After being under intense scrutiny a few periods, I realized my symptoms seemed more mild. When I could sneak an ice cream or apple, I got cramps. So now, paying tribute to all my nainai’s efforts, I drink hot water on my periods, but I won’t give up my shower.

For Chinese holidays with my husband’s family in Shandong, there is still a lot of prep work. Dumplings, for instance are a day-long endeavor, but take very little time to actually cook. Stir-frying doesn’t take very long either, especially with everyone helping with chopping and peeling. Then everyone, it seems like almost 20 people, sits at a tiny table that one would think fits 4. With toasting of tea, beer, and baijiu, the meals last for hours. When the food looks like it is about to run out, more is made or found. I recall a couple of 11am lunches that didn’t finish until after 6pm.

Now in America, husband and I invite people over for Chinese meals all the time. We’ll have 10 or more people over and fit everyone around a table that by American standards should only seat 6. Sometimes, we’ll just stir-fry up a few dishes and serve some fresh pickled veggies, or, even easier, make hot-pot. It takes less than an hour to make everything and everyone is cozy. Without having defined portions on a dinner plate, the Chinese style meal allows everyone to graze for hours. Conversation seems to flow better and everyone is more literally sharing the meal.

Every family is different, mine seems to get restless once they are full. The only way to get them to stay at the table longer is to eat Chinese-style. Surprisingly, no one has complained about being cramped or about reaching for food.

With the immigration process, job hunt, identity crisis, and overall adjustment, life has been a bit busy.

But it is oh so hot!

So as I walk by the river yearning to go swimming, I remember how I must be respectful of the culture in which I am living. Chinese people in the countryside are simply more modest. As I am thinking this, I notice there are people in the water up ahead. There is a group of men and boys swimming in the river! I would love to just jump into the clear cold water and swim with them! As I get closer, the men see me. They all stand up and wave. I am confronted with several wet naked Chinese men energetically waving more than just their hands. It’s quite an unwelcomed view.

Am I upset?

Yes!

Why do I, as a woman, have to cover up so much but men can go out in public naked?! It is simply not fair.

Well, after watching the new Karate Kid movie released in China, I must say that clever deletion of scenes managed to successfully change the movie from that of an underdog story to one of self-discovery. I spent the whole movie watching for deleted scenes and wondering what was their motivation in deleting them? How much does the edited version change the story?

The main editing came during the fight scenes (not fights in the lunch room or hallways), they were all made shorter or cut out. This drastically changed the story. In the American version, the Chinese students brutally pick on the poor foreign boy. This makes the Chinese characters look very violent and petty, viciously picking on the new guy for no apparent reason.
In the edited for Chinese audiences version, the Chinese students do not fight him unless provoked. There is some verbal intimidation, but they only fight him after he flirts with the love interest and throws dirty water on them. Without the violence between these two fights, it makes the American look bad. Yes, the Chinese boys threw the first punch and intimidated him, but without the fear of being beaten to a bloody pulp after that, the protagonist seems weak for being so afraid and then petty for throwing the water on them since they had not physically threatened him after the first fight.

Another key edited point was in the portrayal of the Kung Fu teacher. In the American version, the Chinese instructor was the stereotypical bad guy, it is all about winning and destroying the opponent so he could never be a threat again. He taught the boys to be bloodthirsty and even pushed one to use an illegal move during the competition to injure the American. This put Chinese people and Chinese Kung Fu in a bad light. It is not until the American studies Kung Fu that the Chinese students realize they had been studying their art wrong all this time.
So in the Chinese version, The Kung Fu teacher does none of this, he is just a strong Kung Fu master teaching his students to be strong. The problem with the Chinese version is that Mr. Han’s comment about a “bad teacher” teaching his students bad things does not make as much sense.

Essentially, by deleting the fight scenes and taming the Kung Fu teacher, the movie loses the antagonist. Somehow the Chinese kung fu students seem to fall more into the background of problems the American protagonist is having adjusting to life in China. It makes it appear as if he is simply having cultural problems – he upset the parents of the girl he likes and does not understand why, he is outcast by the other boys in school (they pick on him but do not beat him up), he is struggling to learn Chinese, he does not know when to wear his uniform. Without the fights, it seems like the American learns Kung Fu more for self-discovery, a way to come to terms with life in China, and not as much so he can protect himself against the vicious Chinese boys. The final competition just did not have the same underdog feeling, it actually felt like he was trying to prove himself more than compete against his Chinese classmates.

Other edited areas:

Catching the fly with chop sticks: In the Chinese version, he does not pick up the dead fly with his chop sticks and there is no comment that it is “nasty.”

Kiss Scene: The kiss scene between the protagonist and his love interest is deleted.

What?!

How could I possibly be such a horrible girlfriend to forget my boyfriend’s birthday? Then after going through my mental organizer I recall my loving boyfriend’s birthday is in July and do a quick recheck of the current date and time being no where near July. What is going on and why has this happened every year since?

It is true that different cultural customs surround birthdays, but the biggest challenge to any foreigner trying to celebrate a Chinese birthday is figuring out when it is! There are two calendar systems in China, the traditional Chinese calendar and the western one with which most of us are more familiar. Many Chinese people ignore the western calendar completely, and some ignore the Chinese calendar completely. Most, however, do not acknowledge their birthday on the western calendar. This is very important to remember if you ever see a fortune teller in China, they need your Chinese birthday!

So what this means to us foreigners living in China is that when someone tells you their birthday is in July or September, their birthday may very well show up in October.

With casual acquaintances a “happy birthday” on the western birthdate can suffice, but when the Chinese birthday you are preparing for is your husband’s it complicates things. Every year there is guilt when my husband receives birthday wishes from his family and friends and I am none the wiser. He does not blame me, mostly because birthdays are not a big deal to most Chinese people until they are old enough to have grandchildren, but birthdays are important in my culture.

So I try to make a big deal out of what I believe to be his “real” birthday, the one on the western calendar. After a few years of doing this, I am about ready to give up. He seems to lack the enthusiasm one should have for a birthday. I am not sure if this is because:
A) He has already celebrated one birthday that year
B) He does not believe the day to be his true birthday
or
C) Birthday parties are for the old and respected (Chinese youth celebrating birthdays is actually a more modern trend)

Forcing someone to eat noodles and cake is never a good idea.

My suggestion to all those trying to surprise a Chinese friend or loved one on their birthday, learn to read a Chinese calendar.

I’m serious. I’ve run into many an exchange student or English teacher who was running low on his/her supply just as the weather was warming, and with fear and embarrassment in his/her eyes asks
“where do you get more deodorant in China?”

I hate to tell them that I get shipments from family or friends or hit up anyone I know who is coming in from America. Truth be told, deodorant (除臭剂) can be bought in China, but as far as I’ve seen antiperspirant (止汗剂) cannot. There is an assortment of roll-ons at Walmart and Watson’s, but they have really strong smells and seem to stain clothes. Not a very good option.

So what can you do until your next shipment comes in?
Well, while Chinese people in general do not use deodorants/antiperspirant, my female coworkers spray perfume under their arms.
More recently, I’ve discovered another alternative:
Baking Soda or Su-Da-fen 苏打粉 (also 小苏打)

Su-da-fen is really cheap and it’s sold in most supermarkets, usually in a little bag.

I found the suggestion to use baking soda online and it peeked my curiosity. Apparently, the baking soda prevents the growth of bacteria which prevents the Odor = cheap deodorant available in China.
Was I skeptical? Yes.
But I don’t really have to impress anyone here in China, so I thought I’d try it.

Well, you can either make a paste of it or just brush it on. The first day was really uncomfortable. I felt self conscious all day and I didn’t think it was working. Day two and day three were much better and I felt fresh and clean so I kept it up. I tried it for about 2 weeks.

I must say I was impressed. Instead of smelling like deodorant, there was no smell at all. My husband has always been fascinated by my deodorant for some strange reason. I think it’s because of all those jokes that foreigners smell and here I am using something to prevent the smell that Chinese people don’t use. Well, I didn’t tell him that I was doing this experiment and he even commented how clean I smelled all the time.
The only downsides, when it’s really hot or you are doing some serious sports, you have to reapply and after a while it kind of irritates the skin because, as a powder, it’s a bit abrasive.

I still have a couple sticks of deodorant/antiperspirant in my stash right now so I don’t think I’ll be dropping the habit anytime soon, but it is nice to know that there is an option available in China.

什么是一个美国人在中国最怕之一？
用完他的除臭剂。

真的。天气开始变暖我遇到很多留学生和英语老师慢慢的用完了除臭剂，他们很尴尬的问-”在中国除臭剂哪里能买得到?”

我很遗憾的告诉他们我的亲戚朋友们从美国把它运给我。说实在，在中国除臭剂有得卖，但从来没看到止汗剂。还不应该太激动，中国的除臭剂不太好用。

所以到底应该怎么做？

我发现中国人一般不用除臭剂、止汗剂。奇怪的是，连中国乞丐一般没味道… 我的中国女性同事不用除臭剂但还喷香水在腋窝。
最近我发现另外个选择：苏打粉

在中国苏打粉非常的便宜而且到处都有得卖，一般在一个透明塑料袋里。

我在网上看到了这个建议而让我有点好奇。因为苏打粉防止细菌所以没味儿因此是便宜的除臭剂。刚开始我有点怀疑，但我还是用了。

第一天我感觉不太舒服，很自觉，也感觉苏打粉没有用。第二天和第三天舒服多了。好像一直用止汗剂会让皮肤习惯了，需要一段时间习惯自然。也许中国人出汗没味儿是因为他们一直没用止汗剂？不知道但用了苏打粉两个星期一直感觉很干净。

我喜欢，以前有除臭剂的味道，现在一点味道都没有。我的中国老公一直对我的除臭剂感兴趣。他喜欢开玩笑说老外有羊肉的味道。我用除臭剂好像证明我也有这个味道… 我没告诉他我停止用除臭剂不过他停止说我的除臭剂的味道，他开始说我有多么干净的香味。我能保证，如果我老公也是个美国人他不会对我身体的味道这么感兴趣。
我看苏打粉好用，不让中国人以为我有羊肉的味道。有时候在中国生活真有尴尬的问题！

I don’t think that people talk about the abuse that women get in China, but it is very common. It’s in fact so common that getting assaulted is not a big deal. That’s what my Chinese friends tell me at least. After being grabbed or fondled by strangers, I’d feel violated and talk to some of my Chinese girlfriends and that’s what they would tell me – it’s really common, it’s not a big deal, it happens all the time. Well, just because it happens all the time does not mean it’s right! None of my Chinese girlfriends are really willing to talk about this topic if they have any experience in it. After living in China for a few years, I’ve started to understand their mind set.

After my first experience being assaulted in China, I was very freaked out. I was fine, my friend stepped in and got the guy away from me, but it was still a scary experience. So I talked to my Korean neighbor about what happened and what I should do. She told me that there was nothing I could do. She’s had bad experiences as well and didn’t always have a rescuer like me. Well, she’s tried running to safety in a small store only to be kicked out by the shop clerk who didn’t want a confrontation in his business. She’s tried talking to our school or the police only to have them blame her for leading the man on. There is no way to prove what happened and no one will believe your story. Since the blame is put on the woman, it’s a loss of face that women don’t want to admit to and since admitting it doesn’t help, they don’t do anything about it.

Talking about it really doesn’t help. The more you tell people, the more they convince you that maybe you shouldn’t have been wearing a skirt or makeup or that you just need to get over it and put it in the past. It’s not the woman’s fault and it doesn’t matter how much money the man has, he has no right to take advantage! In my coworker’s case, I think the main reason no one spoke up before is because the man has enough money and contacts to make the story go away, so it is just easier to save face and walk away. That is why I am so happy that my coworker stood up and filed charges against him! It’s built up a bit of a media storm so he will have a hard time bribing his way out of this one.

I wish that more women stood up against the men that take advantage of them. My former coworker is my hero for being so courageous.

note: Most areas of China are pretty safe for women but there are some particular areas that are very difficult

我的一个以前的女同事提起诉讼强奸。发生的事是极坏的而并不该发生的，但是我没什么大的吃惊。我认识那个男的也了解她工作的城市因此没什么令人惊讶的。惊讶的事是她控告。我很佩服她的勇敢而为她开心。在中国有太少真么勇敢的女人维护自己的权利。
没那么多的人在中国愿意谈受虐但受虐女人比想想还平常。其实被男人袭击很正常，不算什么大不了的事。至少我的中国朋友这样跟我说。我每次被陌生男人占便宜或更坏，我感觉不干净而无力，我很想找个人安慰我但我朋友们都告诉我这样感觉没必要，这样的事很正常，没什么大不了。一件事经常发生不证明这件事是对的！如果我的中国女性朋友们对这个话题有一点经验的话都不愿意谈。住在中国几年之后我开始慢慢了解她们的思維。

我第一次在中国遭受虐待和猥亵，我吓坏了。其实我没事，那个男的没能伤害我因为我的一个朋友抓走了他，但还算是一个很可怕的经历。我心烦意乱，混身都在发抖。我找了我的邻居，她也是个外国女孩在中国，而她告诉我她自己的经历。她告诉我没什么我可以做的。在她的故事里没有人救她，她跑了，然后找了一个小商店但那老板不愿意她藏在里面。之后她跟我们的学校和警察说了但他们都怪她，说她勾引他们。没法证明发生的事，没法令人相信。因为人人都怪女人，所以女人不想承认了丢脸而且因为承认了没什么帮助，所以女人就不说还什么都不做。

谈谈没有用。多告诉人，人都说服你是你的错误。你开始相信也许并不应该穿裙子，不应该化妆，也许应该长胖或者就应该把这件事忘掉。并不是女人的错误！不管那个男的有多少钱，他没权利欺负女人！对与我的同事的事情来说，我觉得以前没有女人愿意为自己说话是因为那个男的的关系够多能把事情掩盖。保全面子不说话是最容易做法。是因为我了解困难才为我同事这么开心! 她维护自己的权利和对老板提起诉讼！现在这故事在媒体比较热因此他没法跑。

我真想看到更多女人会跟我的同事一样勇敢。

Whenever my husband goes out of town, I miss him terribly and everyone at work notices. One of my coworkers, Jenny, tried to console me saying that she hardly ever sees her boyfriend.
Jenny and her boyfriend’s situation is actually very common in China, they live and work in different cities and only get to see eachother once or twice a year during the holidays. I suddenly felt bad for complaining about my husband leaving for only a few days.

Only, Jenny didn’t miss her boyfriend.

-It’s no big deal. You see, I don’t really miss him. I can have my own life here, and we talk to each other on the phone every now and then.

-Why don’t you miss him?

-It’s our parents who want us together. We are from the same hometown and my parents are friends with his parents.

-Do you want to marry him?

-It would make my parents happy. He is nice and we have known each other for a long time. When we are ready to get married, I’ll quit my job and we will move to the same city. Our parents will be happy.

I didn’t know how to respond to that. She just didn’t seem excited, though she didn’t seem unhappy either. 
I always figured every bride should be excited about getting married. Maybe those who aren’t jumping for joy are the ones who have thought things through  more clearly?
There is nothing wrong with an arranged or semi-arranged marriage; my in-laws had an arranged marriage and they seem happy. Perhaps when you marry out of responsibility, the bonds that hold you in the marriage last longer and you find ways to love each other and grow together as opposed to two people who chose to be together then change and maybe grow apart?

我结婚之前很害怕结婚，因为我害怕离婚。在美国我认识太多人开开心心的结婚，然后突然离婚。我想知道别人结婚时心里在想什么，那样也许能明白别人或离婚或一辈子在一起的原因。

我老公出差时，我会非常的想念他。我的思念会流露出来，同事们都会过来安慰我。我的一个同事，”杰妮” 告诉我她很少见他男朋友，他们俩在不同城市工作，每年只有一两次见面的机会。听到这里，我感觉自己有点不自立，老公不在几天就会一蹶不振。
不过，杰妮不怎么想念她男朋友。

-没什么大问题，我不太想他，我在这里有自己的生活，无拘无束，而我们也能偶尔打电话聊天。

-为什么不想他呢?

-是我们的父母要我们在一起的。我们来自同一个地方，彼此的父母是好朋友.

-你想和他结婚吗

-我们的父母要我们结婚。他真的很好，我们也相识相知了很久。等我们准备结婚了，我就会辞职搬到他所在的城市，我们的父母会很开心的

我不知道说什么好。我看她没什么激动，也没什么不开心。包办婚姻也没什么不好，我认识很多对被包办的夫妻一直在一起，也好像很相爱。很多因为爱情结婚的夫妻慢慢的没有了感情，没有了的生活的动力，然后就离婚乐；相反也有人因为责任结婚，两个人可以在一起慢慢培养爱情，慢慢的有相同的幸福生活。